Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
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[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
there’s probably a fee though
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.