If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
You Might Also Like
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”