My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
You Might Also Like
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.