Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!