Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
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So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
*looks at you in batman voice*
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.