My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
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my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Oh deer
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.