The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
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My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I created you as mosquito food.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Seductively sings in Klingon.