Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
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Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
im all 3
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do