me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
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If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
😏😏😏
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.