Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
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No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
this is funnier than any friends episode
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*