“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
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The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
ugh not again
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans