Taliband
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*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*