a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
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If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.