Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
You Might Also Like
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
#winning
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.