ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
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“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.