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Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
this is how life feels
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.