13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
You Might Also Like
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working