[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
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Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Wikigenius
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.