One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
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*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
so weird how every mom was born today
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !