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good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
sin harder.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.