Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
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I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.