cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
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The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?