This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
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thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Spell check is for lasers.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
British websites use biscuits.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then