[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
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Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
reduce, reuse, recycle
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)