Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
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“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I can also cook 😂
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target