[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
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Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken