4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
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maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Smile they said.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena