[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.