It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay