[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
want me to check your oil?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.