My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
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Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
He wanted to make sure😂
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency