This is Sparta
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Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.