*mops up wine with cat*
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Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁