14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
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*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
This sounds bad:
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.