listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
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*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
#damn
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
☺️
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…