Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
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if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
How do horror writers compete with current events?
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence