I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
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Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet