what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
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She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.