One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
You Might Also Like
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you