Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
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it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.