Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
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My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking