Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours