My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
You Might Also Like
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I’m confused about plants
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Otters see a butterfly.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Banana is the quietest snack
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom