Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
guys i’ve cracked the code