No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
can I use a minion as a tampon
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.