Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
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Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS