The point of your 20s
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My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Note to self: I am a note
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out