The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
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Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending