I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
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FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
This a good idea
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this