[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
You Might Also Like
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
That lamp looks PISSED.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great